I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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