I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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