So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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