Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
