I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
