You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
