if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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