1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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