As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
