we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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