Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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