her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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