drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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