Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
