Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
