Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
