watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
