By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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