so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
