I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
