Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
