I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
