I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
