Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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