i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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