rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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