just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
