i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
