The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
