If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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