Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
