I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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