my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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