Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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