Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
