i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
