life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
