Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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