Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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