I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
