When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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