shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
