Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
