Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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