A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
