Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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