Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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