twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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