I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
