That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
