you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
