Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
