Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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