Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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